Even after all this time I still

remember
or do the things i forget just become greater

still nurse a grudge and there is at least one person in the world I have never meet who I would still like to take in a bitch fight
though this is slowly beginning to fade

think up futures where I have everything and lose it to discover myself
but I know why I do it and thats to see whats important enough to be crippling if I gave it up

get scared, i just hide it better
I still find out things about my nearest and dearest that surprise me

I find I can still love and miss people

rember what its like to make an idiot of myself
though the impluse seems to have died down somewhat.

wallow in things best left alone when I have time on my hands (alan has his roleplayers in and i;m in the study chasing down random lj pages instead of studying or ironing or filling in my pensions application)

don't find anything in the top 20 interesting enough to buy

find it very hard to admit when I'm to blame or I made a mistake in my personal life

lurve chirstmas

i find myself changing, evolving growing up and unfortunately steadily outwards as well.

arouse lust and status of object of desire and occasional fantasy (niall!!!!)

find that i can guess something 100% sometimes and be minorly or majorly wrong the rest of the time

have one poem I wrote when i was 15 that remains true and sound. It doesn't really apply to my current situation anymore but in that situation its still true and it scares me how young I was when I wrote it, how it can still apply and how long it took me to realise the amount of damage it does.

find it easier to look out and after stranger than I do for myself or my friends.

feel proud when I inspire friendship in other people and when I've helped them

can't spell, construct a sentence or type properly

write things that move people

find new and novel ways to piss people off just by being me

waste time making lists
so off to play spider solitare till the battery runs out.

(no subject)

I take it back I wouldn't bitch slap her, I'm basing my entire opinion of her on one messy situation and what someone else did to me. I'd probably bitch slap her if I didn't like her, but actually I don't know her at all. I just know the role she played in my version of a particular situation, and its easier to blame someone who wasn't in the country than the person who was hurting me (for what whatever reason).

isn't that all grown up of me

my internal logic still has a huge problem with what she thought she was playing at, and what exactly happened. but I'm sure everyone concerned had their reasons, I know I have mine and yeah I still get narked about it and cringe at some of it. But it was a while ago now and I got the best deal out of it so far as i'm concerned.

ARGGHHH stop wallowing and go do the ironing for gods sake.

doh!!!

did go and do something useful and that was check my OU degree site and re-read my email
I had thought next years course was the only i had to do, however I have to the 30 pointer after that as well,
fortunately thats only half a year and there is a project course I can do, which if I talk to them about it I should be able to pick a subject that feeds into a masters. though the thought of working full time and doing a masters (i think its four years) is a bit daunting, I was planning a life there as well. Maybe I should just start it here and go back to NZ to finish it?? (2 more years til honours degree and then 1/2 years at masters takes me to 34 years old and wasn't going to leave it much later than that to have kids, I know a couple of people who got pregent accidentaly and i think thats the best way to do it, means you aren't just putting it off all the time)


yes i got cluckly somewhere, comes of finally being able to see a long term future with someone.